My fecked up life

I apologise in advance for this post but I need to get it out of my head and this appears the best way for me to do it.

This relates to my smoking post about the depression and why I may not be prescribed Champix.

Years ago when I was 8 my father decided to inform me in a rather practical way of the birds and the bees and strangers requesting sexual favours. He decided the way to go about it was to show me himself and ask me to touch him.I kicked off screamed and cried and never told anyone about it until I was 20 and it was my best mate I told.I know he never said anything to anyone else I could trust him with my life.Fast forward to April 2006 and my auntie comes to visit me slightly unusual in it's self but she obviously had something important to tell me.She proceeded to inform me that my 15 year old cousin had taken an overdose the year before and when they were discussing why she told her about the flashbacks and memories she had from when she was about 2/3 years old.

My parents had split up (which they had when it happened to me) and for soem reason my dad was childminding her and myself but me being a teenager was out with my friends and my cousin remembers someone else being there and my dad said he had something for her in the kitchen he sat her on the kitchen unit exposed himself to her and asked her to touch him.When my auntie told me this I broke down and told her what happened to me, then I ended up with her having to phone my mum because I couldn't talk.That all was fine and me and my mum have come out stronger through this.

Obviously this lead to court proceedings and my dad being arrested there was another girl involved but there were issues around this and due to these issues the case was dropped.

Now this isn't my issue but I need the background to the bit that is really bugging me at present.I am still incontact with him although I don't really want to be, but I am too bloody soft to tell him where to go because I think it's likely that he'll do something stupid as he has done quite often before.

My issues with him are as follows

• During my teenages years I spent most of the time trying to stop him taking an overdose
• When I was a child and in the house he kicked our backdoor in and wouldn't stop even when he saw the state I was in
• He nearly lost me my job when he drove over and turned up at the hotel I worked at drunk (ok I probably nearl;y lost me my job because I couldn't stop crying )
• He did the above to me
• During the run up tot he case he called and called and called and gave me grief for not ringing him (i lied and told him due to being unemployed I change to pay as you go and had no money to put on my phone)
• When at court he was told he hadn't to contact me and he told them that it was me calling him (I spent £12 getting back copies of my phone bills to prove i didn't and also kept the aggressive text messages he sent me)
• He still doesn't believe he's done anything wrong
• He informed me that as blood I should have stood by him (basically should never have spoke up about what he's done ) and told me his girlfriend and her family think I am the scum of the earth

Now he's calling me and complaining that I don't ring him and when he rings we only talk about the weather.What more does he want I don't think I really have anything I want to say to him.He wants to come and visit but is annoyed that it means he'll have to drive here and back in the same day because my boyfriend will not have him anywhere near the house.Truth is neither will I unfortunately it's easier to hide behind my fella on that one.I don't really ever want to see him again but I daren't tell him.He'll want to give me a hug and I don't ever want to touch him again.

I just don't know what to do!!!

Cleaning

As I cleaned myself yesterday I really should clean the house but to be truthful I really cannot be bothered.Therefore I have a plan I am going to wash up and put some washing in then treat myself to a lay down in the garden with a book.

Okay it's not being good but in just over a week I have a week off which I am going spent making this house shine.I don't know whether everyone is the same as me but I think that as I do the entire of the house work in this house he can wait for it to be done in my time.If it bothers him that much well he knows where the cleaning stuff is.

Why is it so hard to find a man that cleans? Okay I had one that did but unfortunately that was my bestmate and he was gay.I also felt guilty when he cleaned because I didn't see why he was to me the house was clean and tidy,but I can't win our house is a state or I think it is but won't clean it yet as I trying to see how bad it'll get before he finds it too much and pulls his finger out and does something.We agreed when I found a job he'd help with the house work and it's been over a year and nothing.

Ah well time to go do the few things I said I'd do earlier in this post.Just need to find me get up and go which seems to have got up and gone.

Pampering

Okay today I am treating myself to a lazy day of pampering.So far I've had a soak in the bath and defuzzed exfoliated and applied body lotion.I have just come to the conclusion that pampering and being lazy is actually rather busy and hard work,from shaving to exfoliating it takes time and work.Therefore I have no idea why I think it's relaxing.

I've still got to do my hair my make up and then I might think about the more arduous such as the iron and washing, but to be truthful I think I've done enough hardwork making myself beautiful.

Sane or Insane

Well today is a first for many things, my first blog and the first time in ages I've come out of the Dr's smiling.

Well most people will be aware of the usual feeling of dread when awaiting your appointment.Mine usually are it's not important enough or I am not dying therefore shouldn't be here wasting peoples time.Today however I finally decided to get help to give up smoking.I have tried all other methods and rather than give up quitting I realised the best idea was to get professional help.

So in to the nurses office I trundle thinking I don't have an illness or smoke that many a day that the nurse will prescribe me a very expensive stop smoking tablet.The actual issue I hit wasn't what I was expecting.Yes I'd done my research ( I am a little anal when it comes to taking tablets I have to look them up in the BNF finding out what the side effects are and such ).I knew that there can be rather scary side effects to this medication but thought "Hey it'll be fine". The nurse was pretty happy with my explanation that I'd tried various nicotine replacement therapies i.e patches gum and the microtabs.What nobody ever tells you is that these things burn when you either chew or allow them to dissolve slowly under your tongue.No wonder people giving up smoking sometimes revert through using said aids my God you have to have a mouth of steel to use them.

So after my explaination of why I was invading her office to request help on my quest to become smoke free. she dropped the lovely question of "Have you ever been depressed and were you treated for it?" cue my mind reaching back to my research and it pulling out the great side effect of said drug can be depression infrequently leading to suicidal thoughts. Ahh erm now then I could have lied through my teeth but didn't as I remembered she has my entire medical record sitting infront of her, so I grit my teeth and kindly explain that although yes I have previously had depression, it was circumstantial due to other issues that were at the time going on in my life and that although it wasn't all that long ago ( maybe about a year) I was never feeling suicidal and the issue has for all intents and purposes been dealt with. (maybe in time I will blog about the issue but I am not sure yet ).

So as you do I was sat watching her type in the computer the information that was relevant to my application to self medicate pills that will assist me to finally put the white sticks out once and for all.I notice her type something I have never been accused of "I feel that this is a very level headed lady". I've been called somethings in my life so far but until today I have never been informed that I have a head that you could probably balance something on.I'd assumed that I would drop in today and come out with my pills to help me but unfortunately no I've got to go through a lengthy shall we say interview as they need a lot of information, but hopefully after that I shall have my weapon against the nicotine.

I shall be posting here if i get it and will be doing anyway but hopefully doing so should some unwanted side effects arise I shall notice.